We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

~The Perks of Being a Wallflower

       I feel a little better. Some days are more inspiring than others. But things aren't quite as stop and go. Unfortunately, spring break has all but annihilated my sleep schedule. This Monday is going to kill. But somehow, I'm not too worried about that, because every Monday sucks. It's a sad fact of life, folks.

       Tonight I realized something. Sometimes when we're really hurting, when we're stuck in that swimming pool of despair, we have to look back. We have to recognize our past to move forward. The entire concept sounds vague and regressive to me, but I think it's true. On the occasion I forget who I am. I just lose it in the homework and friendships and politics. I just deflate and wallow on the ground like a helium balloon that's gained density. All that I recognize is my bed and my teddy bear and I painfully wish to become a recluse. I push everyone and everything away until I'm reminded. I have to remind myself of the books and movies I love. I look at the pictures I've taken and pin up long forgotten styles. Because they're what make me who I am. They do not forget even when I do and I am so grateful for that. Tomorrow, I think I will redecorate my room. 

       Then again, I'll probably just sleep...

       ....One step at a time, right?

Meeting Standards

           I feel like this is often on my mind, in fact I think it guides everything I do. Why do we, as people, attempts to appease the standards set upon us by others? Hell if I know, yet I'm trapped in this ever circling vortex. One thing leads to another and suddenly I'm not good enough, even for myself. I have these preconceived notions of what I should or shouldn't be. They're pressures set on by society, previous generations, media, brands, and sometimes ourselves. I love that I can identify an issue but not remedy it. It makes me feel helpless. I can't just stop listening to the things people tell me and my own internal thoughts. That's almost as bad as listening to them in the first place. I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place, which is where I usually find myself. I think I'll build a home there, alone. It'll be a small little cottage filled with the things I love, where no one can reach; where I can be safe bordered by the unbreakable rocks and the infamous hard place. Sounds...... comfy. Oh, the irony.

In Need of Sunny Disposition

           I have major case of the Mondays. Everything that could have pissed me off did. From my lack of clothes to wear to my history group's decision to orchestrate a video in 2 days as opposed to a magazine thoroughly ticked me off. On the plus side though, I survived. I didn't break down into tears, scream at anyone, or ditch school; making today a B day. I could've earned an A was it not for my longing to sleep and irritable attitude. A plus side was the 2 mi run I accomplished slowly but surely immediately after school. I went on The Walk* afterwards to help the guys find rolly pollies for AP Bio. I was cold so Kyle gave me his red Stanford hoodie. I don't know why but it was really nice to wear someone's over sized jacket... comforting in a weird childish way. Things like that make me miss the relationships I so relentlessly spurn. Everyone gets lonely sometimes... even someone like me, I guess. 

           On another note, what kind of teacher sits back and watches his students fail? My Honors Chemistry teacher. I think I need a tutor. I'm having serious issues not being amazing at a subject. Failure has just been painfully etched into my vocabulary with a shark tooth. Shit. But more on that in another post.

           Quote of the day: I was in the mascot costume during the game. I can already feel the aids setting into my body.

*Appropriately capitalized for it's exclusive status, The Walk is a daily event in my neighborhood consisting of my teenage neighbors and a route from 711 to a nearby park... why I'm explaining this I have no idea.

Love All, Trust a Few, Do Wrong to No One~ William Shakespeare

        William Shakespeare definitely sets his standards high. Loving all? Totally impossible. Especially with the people I go to school with. How can you love people who don't except others for who they are? I hear faggot dropped 50 times a day. Assholes definitely don't deserve love, but they get it anyway. In fact a-holes get more ass than nice guys. Even I've ran after my fair share of pretty faced douches. There was George, Adam, Zack, Eric... the jury is still out on Harrison. He didn't completely freeze up when he saw me in chem the other day. So awkward. Last time we spoke, freshman year, he broke up with me for being majorly psychotic. I even almost egged his house afterward... even though the breakup was my fault. Revenge is my forte. I'm still working up the balls and timing for destroying Eric. Which brings me to trust. Shakes is so right. Only trust a few. People have lips looser than Ashton these days. I'm not even one to talk. I spill some secrets as fast as Margo Roth Spiegelman left town. And believe me, it comes back to bite you in the ass. Some people are so bad though that they deserve to be bitten. So why must we do wrong to no one? And what is wrong really defined as? Is it wrong for me to stand up for what I believe in even if it hurt someone else? Will really needs to extend that last bit. I'm confused. But then again, when am I not.

          On another note, I'm really hoping this blog thing works out. Maybe it's just the thing I need to get back to my normal self.